Day 67: If at first, you don’t succeed…
“Redemption is not perfection. The redeemed must realize their imperfections.”
Failure is never an option nor is it a label I choose to wear.
I don’t subscribe to the theory that people are failures. To be a complete failure means there is no hope for recovery and that hope is lost. Nope… If you are alive and breathing, there is always hope. Every human being has the potential and ability to look deep within themselves and find successes however big or small they might be. And even when we come across a hurdle that seems insurmountable, and the goal seems unattainable, sometimes it just means we need to refocus, re-strategize, and recommit to taking on that challenge.
I am not afraid to admit that a while ago, I was unable to complete a goal I had set. Discretion was the better part of valor that day I decided to take on the very cold and choppy waters of Fallen Leaf Lake, the alpine oasis in the mountains west of Lake Tahoe. I remember feeling ice cold as I exited the water after an unsuccessful open water swim and feeling discouraged and defeated. I stood at the water’s edge with my arms and legs still shaking. I made a promise to Mt. Tallac, the majestic guardian of the northern part of the lake, that I would return to accomplish my mission of swimming 2.7 miles across and I meant every word that left those cold and blue lips that day! And that is where my Quest leads me…
This time, I picked a warmer day to conquer Fallen Leaf Lake. I had done a little bit of research to know that the air and water temperature would be perfect for a second attempt at an open water swim. Even though the conditions were right, I still had that nagging memory of feeling cold and let down. I sat for a time in my office that morning and tried to focus my mind and center my spirit. I decided to tuck the worry away and replace it with a renewed sense of determination and a level of tenacity I knew I needed in order to meet the goal. I tried to envision myself in the water and arriving at the other side of the lake and I could feel a sense of accomplishment that I was eagerly craving. It was with that new fire that formed in my soul that I stood up, took a deep breath and prepared myself to leave. I had my wetsuit, my swim watch, my swim bag with my drink and nutrition, my favorite warm-up Lululemon jacket, Siri, a loaded kayak, and my Swim spotter waiting ever so patiently… and off we went.
I requested that my swim spotter drive as I needed to calm my nerves and just relax, and with a little over an hour drive, we had arrived at the beach on Fallen leaf Lake. My spotter had the boat washed per California guidelines and the boat attendant asked what we would be doing. My spotter said, “She is going to swim across the lake today.” The boat attendant had an unmistakable look of surprise and I wasn’t sure how to take that look… Was I that crazy for attempting it or does he not believe I can do it? The boat attendant realized very quickly that we were serious and then recommended that we hug the shore to avoid the weekend boat traffic and then said, “Good Luck!” With that sarcastic vote of confidence I decided that he may have provided the exact motivation I needed to get across the lake safely today.
So, I made my way across the freshly raked and deserted sandy beach. I began to peel away my layers, my jacket, my grey tank top, and my shorts in order to reveal the dark blue TYR swimsuit that I had chosen for this challenge. When I finished exposing my bronze skin, I looked quizzically across the lake and there in the distance was the other side. I remember thinking, “If I can see the other side; it can’t be that far after all.” I then turned to take a moment to look up at Mt. Tallac as if to ask, “Do you remember me?…. I was the girl that was defeated not so long ago by your ice cold waters and today, I am back and more prepared and ready than before! Today, I have returned to take on the lake and win and nothing is going to stop me!” With those ever determined thoughts I stepped into my wetsuit, set my swim watch, put on my bright yellow swim cap, gathered some fantastic thoughts to carry me the distance and slowly entered the water.
By now my spotter was ready to go and I was acclimated to the 50 something degree water and just wanted to be set free to swim. I looked at my spotter and he at me, I said, “Are you ready?” He said, “Are you ready?” I laughed and said, “Have never been more ready… bring it on!” And with that I entered the cold blue waters of Fallen Leaf Lake, a little guilty for causing a ripple in the still morning water but gliding ever so gracefully. It took a minute to acclimate to the temperature, but I was feeling strong. My stroke was smooth and consistent, my speed was fast, but controlled, the sun was shining like a spotlight on my swim and I remember thinking, “This feels right.”
The swim was going quite well and then at the halfway mark across the lake, something suddenly happened! I felt a huge knock on my head. My spotter had accidentally drifted over to me and the boat made contact with my head. I was first upset at him and then quickly realized that there were high winds that came out of nowhere that were making the water very choppy and wavy. My spotter was having trouble controlling the kayak and I had noticed how difficult it had become to swim. I stopped for a moment and retreated onto my back and as I laid there I felt the warm sun on my face as if it were trying to lend me a warm embrace as I rested. I bobbed in the water, wave after wave, feeling discouraged at the challenging conditions that ensued. I had only two choices to make, continue on or swim to shore and end it now. I knew the swim moving forward would be slow, tiring and cold, but it could be done. My swim was by no means a feat of impossibility, nor was it a record breaking note-worthy event. But to me, it meant more than that. It was about rising above the circumstances, using every ounce of strength I had and focusing my mind on a goal that had been brewing in my soul for months now. My fingers were cold and so were my toes, but the fire to finish raged. I turned onto my tummy and my arms and legs switched to autopilot and we were on our way again.
The waves grew higher and I found myself redirecting every couple of feet to stay on course. Minute-by-minute, I gave it all I had. At one point I remember looking up and thinking, “We must be only ¼ mile away.”, but 20 minutes later, realizing my estimate of distance was way off, but I just kept swimming… I remember swimming through an ice cold area that reminded me the lake was formed by snow melt. But I just kept swimming… I remember the midnight blue water suddenly turning a clear turquoise color and I looked up and there was the shore. My mind said, “You can just stop swimming now…” As I approached the shore the feeling was one of relief and excitement! I had done it! I had fulfilled my promise of persistence and persevered!
I sat on a log with an incredible appetite as my spotter took a moment to do the same. He smiled at me and said, “Way to go, excellent job!” It was just then that I had this stark realization… the mission did not seem complete… I swam across the lake, but now what? He was supposed to kayak back while I waited for him to come get me? That didn’t seem right. I mean, that seemed like hardly a challenge at all! Nooo…. I looked at him and said, “And now we swim back.” He said, “You want to do what? You really feel strong enough to swim back?” I took a second to digest his comment and then rebutted with, “No, but I am going to do it anyway! I swam here, didn’t I? Well, then I am going back the same way I came!” He knew better than to challenge me on this one. He may not have anticipated my response, but he knew nothing and no one could stop me! We rested for a little bit and before I knew it, I felt ready, as ready as I could be.
We entered the cold lake again and I was hopeful with the winds at my back it would be a less tiring swim and a quick trip across the lake. And with that thought, I dove down to awaken my senses and signal the start. The swim felt smoother on the return. I had felt energized and motivated to get back to shore and enjoy a fantastic meal in celebration! As I glided through the water and was about halfway across the lake, I suddenly had to take the first break of what were several to come. I stopped and asked to hold onto the kayak for a minute, something I rarely do. I placed my right cheek against the hard plastic of the kayak and like lizard laying on a rock, I uttered that it felt warm against my cheek. My spotter said, “Are you Ok?” I responded that I was feeling a little cold and to just give me a minute to warm up. He said, “No problem, are you sure you can continue?” I responded, “I started the swim, and I’m gonna finish the swim!” And with that, I pushed from the kayak and started again.
Every stroke became more and more tiring and the arms were feeling sore by now. I could feel the doubt start to slip into my mind like the Titanic taking on water. I could feel my fingers start to numb up a bit, and my lips were feeling colder than before. I knew that I only had about ¼ mile to go at this point but my energy was starting to fade like a flashlight losing its battery power. I knew that I had to do something quickly or this swim would be in jeopardy. I stopped yet again and consumed some nutrition, hydrated myself and for what seemed like too short of a time, warmed my cheeks and even my hands on the side of the warm kayak. I remember looking at the shore and thinking how nice it would be to just rest a while. And then, I felt the wind on my back like a push in the right direction. I felt a renewed energy, a determination to continue, to succeed, to conquer the lake as I had originally intended. I could see the shore; I could feel that inner voice whispering so that only I could hear… “You must finish and finish strong!” “Yes!” I thought, I didn’t come all this way to quit now… I looked up at Mt. Tallac and it no longer felt like an obstacle, but an old friend, as I had learned to record every detail of that mountainside on my swim with every breath that I took. I felt like its majestic nature was lending me the strength to complete my goal. I started one last time, determined not to end until I reached shore. Again, stroke after stroke, my arms were fatigued but my spirit was not… my legs were sore, but my mind said, “Just keep swimming!” It felt like a fight to the finish.
As I came closer to shore, there were some paddle boarders in the way, and I heard my spotter tell them, “This lady has swum across the lake and is now returning; let’s give her some space to finish…” And the boys looked over and said, “That is so cool, she must be some swimmer!” I thought, if they only knew how many times it almost didn’t happen! I looked up and with every ounce of energy swam as hard as I could on the last 500m. I left all the challenges in my wake, and in the end, I gave it everything I had!
When I made it to shore, the adrenaline replaced the exhaustion and I found my way to a log on the beach. My body felt heavy as I walked toward it. I stopped and took a moment to look across the lake at the distance I had swum and I could barely see to the other side. My perception had changed, perhaps my mind allowed my eyes to see the truth–that the distance wasn’t as close as I had convinced myself in the beginning. It is amazing what your mind makes you believe when you are faced with a fear or a challenge. I looked at my swim watch and it recorded a swim of 6.87 miles. I had only planned on swimming 2.7 miles this day, quite a distance farther than I even thought I could!
As I readied my belongings my spotter said that he spoke with the boat attendant who asked if I made it across the lake. My spotter had said, “Not only did she make it across, but she swam back as well!” The boat attendant said, “No way!!! No one does that!” My spotter said, “That lady over there sure did!” And for the first time since completing the distance swim, I smiled and I couldn’t stop smiling…
I stood up and faced Mt. Tallac, as if to show a sign of appreciation, redemption and contentment at the feat I just took on. I felt as if I owed something to this lake for lending me a challenge that my body and spirit needed. My first swim attempt was unsuccessful and so I had to refocus, restrategize and recommit my spirit, because failure is never an option or a label I want to wear. Life offers choices and challenges that you can choose to accept. And if the path is not what you wanted it to be, just change direction, you will get there eventually!
Remembering that “I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain not shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.” –Og Mandino
Wondering what tomorrow will bring…
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