Day 49: Losing myself….

 

If you asked any of my friends and family to describe me, they would most likely say, “She is shy and usually quiet until you get to know her.”   Perhaps most people who interact with me online would have great difficulty believing this, but in fact this is the way I have been for most of my life.  As a testament to this Quest, each adventure has this butterfly emerging more and more from her comfy cocoon of solitude.  Some of the adventures are fairly straight forward leaving me no time to think but just act.   Some require a little more preparation and then there are those that have me shaking in my flip flops!  Today’s adventure had me pacing and thinking….pacing and thinking…

One of the main goals of my Quest was to reach out to people who exemplify courage in the face of adversity.   In my line of work, I have come across far too many people that have faced hardship, illness, defeat, suffering, and overwhelming challenges. While not all of them have had the ability to overcome their challenges the way they had hoped, their efforts to do so were nothing short of awe-inspiring.   It is their strength, determination and perseverance that energize me to keep pressing forward in the face of my own difficulties.

This morning, I received an email from a friend who saw my website and said there is a person he thought I should contact. He said she was a perfect candidate for being a Qi person on my manifest that I had not yet created.  He described her story briefly and I remember sitting at my desk looking at my Buddha statue and thinking “This is the path, isn’t it Buddha?” In the moments that followed I felt confused, intimidated and even humbled… Out of nowhere I felt the doubt begin to creep in like a vine of ivy that, if left unpruned, takes up permanent residence along a fence or a wall…. I quickly got up and found myself pacing and thinking…. And then, only then… a sense of calm came over me like a warm summer breeze and I returned to my desk and focused my thoughts on this woman’s life.

I sat at my desk and closed my eyes and like reading a book in the dark.  I worked through the story that my friend shared about her life with great intent, and focus.… the struggle, the pain, the hardship, the challenge.  She stood like a flag during a storm with some threads unraveling at the seam, mostly tattered yet still intact, repairable…still recognizable… still standing, and deserving great admiration for doing so.  I sat and thought, “This is what courage is about… this is a story that people need to hear… this is real life… not some neatly packaged life story with a perfect bow on top.”  We all have challenges, but I think one of the greatest attributes man can have is empathy, the ability to truly walk in someone else’s footsteps.

There I sat, feeling a bit helpless, knowing that this woman’s life has been a difficult struggle and my big concern most days is knee pain…. Really?  I found myself feeling even more compelled to reach out to her. But wait, I have never just emailed someone out of the blue, let alone about a sensitive topic such as this… Who am I to try and tell her story?  Who am I to intrude on this person’s life and ask permission to share her story with world?   What could I say and how would I say it in an email to a person I have never met before?  Would she hit delete before finishing my email?  Worse yet, would I wind up in her spam folder to never be read and her story kept secret.  There I sat with all of these questions and thoughts flying by like little gnats that I couldn’t swat away.

I took a break and focused on other work that needed to be done. But my conscience kept reminding   me that part of my chosen mission in redefining courage is to find everyday people who are brave in their own right so that others might be able to derive some strength, guidance and empathy from their life’s stories…  It was clear as day, and now without any hesitation, I opened my email and placed myself in a position of hopeful friendship.  My fingers were in a hovering position over the keyboard as if to wait for a gun to fire at the beginning of a sprint race.   I slowly placed the cursor over the  “send to” space, I moved to the “compose email” and decided to let my heart take the lead….

All I remember from the 5-10 minutes it took to compose the one page letter, was that my fingers just kept typing as if they were on a mission.  I had no intention of stopping my typing rhythm; the fingers were flying as if I were a court reporter in a high-profile case.  Then, just as the email began, it ended with “I hope this email finds your day has provided you with less pain, perhaps the hope of new opportunity and that despite what challenges the day may have brought with it, that you are still able to find your smile… J   Wishing you well always….”.  I signed my name, spell-checked, and hit “send” that quickly.

I knew that there was a time difference between myself and where she resided half-a-world away, but I still anxiously looked at my inbox to see if she would respond, fearful and a bit curious of what her response might be, should she respond at all.  I raised my hand to my cheek and rested my elbow on the computer as I so often do when I need to contemplate something deeply. I waited as if I was seeking some significant revelation, some sign from above of what to expect, and there was nothing….

It was late in the evening by now and I had to file her story away in my mind for the night.  I had a full day of work that started early the next day.  As I laid my head on my pillow to give my thoughts a rest, I couldn’t help but be grateful for the life that I have, for the small challenges that I have faced  and for the journey I am on.   Today, the Quest was about reaching out to someone I didn’t know, someone who exemplifies courage and bravery, hoping that she decides to share her story so that others can learn from her, support her, lend strength and derive courage… no pacing and thinking to be done for now, it was time for this once shy and quiet girl to close her eyes and slip into her cozy cocoon and let life take a rest for the night… Wondering what tomorrow will bring…