Day 48: A friendly reminder…

“The worst form of inequality is to try and make unequal things equal.”

-Aristotle

For me, true friendships do not come easily.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, it is difficult for me to make friends and learn to trust enough to share my life with others. When I meet new people, I can usually feel within the first 30 seconds whether I can genuinely connect with them or whether the meeting is a quick “meet and greet” and time to move on. Not everyone has that synergistic energy that we all connect with. Not everyone has a lot in common that could create that fertile ground to build a relationship on, or maybe they just choose not to put the effort into it? This is where the road takes this girl on her Quest today…

I received an email this morning that made me stop and ask, “Is this person for real?” The email started off as if we were old friends sharing the details of our lives as if picking up a conversation that would be an everyday event. This is a person that I only recently started to converse with via email. I am not one to easily take people into my life and only have a couple people that I call “true friends”. These are people I feel comfortable sharing intimate details of my life with. But this email took those relationships and threw them on their ear. It made me re-evaluate what a true friendship is and has me questioning whether my definition has been wrong all along.

The email started off “sharing” details of their life as if it were an open book. There was nothing to hide and everything to share. No hidden agenda, no goals to reach, just the desire to be a pen pal to a person they may have felt they could connect with many states away. This person made me comfortable with their humor, the descriptive way they shared the details of their life, and asking questions about me that I can’t remember the last time I was asked. What I like and don’t like, where I would visit, things I like to do. Are these questions most people would ask but choose not to because they can’t step outside themselves to invest the time to get to know someone without some hidden agenda? Are there people out there that just want a friendship with no strings attached? The email left me feeling that I had value to this person. Yes, I admitted it, I felt valued… appreciated… not for what I could tangibly provide for them, but for the mutual and “equal” sharing of thoughts, ideas and stories about our lives.

This realization had me feeling betrayed and sad. I was left thinking that some of the friends I had labeled as “true friends” needed to be redefined and re-evaluated. How do you move forward with friendships if they are valued against a new measure? Would I have the courage to confront the issue or was it too much of a Gordian knot to even attempt to unravel? I do believe with all my heart that “every” person we meet has something to teach us. I have learned important lessons from those that I deemed “true friends”.

One relationship in particular was truly troubling me. Have I valued this relationship as a friendship and been wrong all along? Were my efforts to connect with this person all for nothing? I had been sending emails with this friend for several years now and I had the harsh realization that I was carrying the majority of the one-sided conversation. I was putting in a lot of work and getting very little in return. It was a difficult fact to face. What do I do next? Abandon this supposed friend the way my friends abandoned me so long ago? Let this person know how I feel with the possibility that they decide they don’t want to be friends after all the stories, feelings, life events and laughs we have shared and invested in? Maybe we actually need each other so we can both learn what it takes to create and maintain a friendship. Maybe this friendship cannot exist without frustration over the unequal sharing of thoughts and ideas.

I took these complicated thoughts, my faithful dog, Jet, and my walking shoes and decided to work this out over a walk. I was in search of a place to clear my mind, take in a new view, and hope that I could make some sense of this. We started our walk about an hour from sunset. I walked a path I have taken so often knowing every rock, flower and even recognizing the new weeds that took up residence.

I came across a bench that I have passed so many times, but today it beckoned for me to come and rest my mind and body. As I sat down, so did Jet, knowing that it was time to just be. I crossed my legs, rested my hands on my knees and closed my eyes. I could feel and hear the breath that escaped my body and for a moment the bee that buzzed around me could not even raise my heart rate.

I sat and envisioned the field of flowers, grass, weeds and rocks that were the last view before I sat down. This field holds a beauty that always leaves me in awe. Would this field be the same if the rocks were missing…or if the weeds with their delicate blossoms and prickly stems were removed… or if the wildflowers that only bloom on occasion would be missed if transplanted… is it a coincidence that the landscape company has not altered this landscape or is it meant to be this way? Would it be as beautiful if the diversity were missing? The wide array of features that grace this land offer both positive and negative attributes. Each offers a uniqueness that adds to the overall field. This natural beauty has no agenda but provides a cumulative energy that inspires me each day to appreciate all of its glory. I can’t remember the last time I thought that any of them should be removed or ignored. I can’t remember a time when I thought that one was more valuable than the other. It was in that moment that things were just a little bit clearer… a little better understood…

As I opened my eyes and Jet and I returned to our walk, I couldn’t help but ponder this new perspective…. Sometimes natural beauty is far more attractive than the canvas we try to manipulate and make more appealing. We all have natural attributes that lend themselves in a relationship that could only be described as “irreplaceable and valuable”. We have a choice with most things in life… do we choose to focus on those attributes that are positive and overlook the others that are not so attractive?

I am grateful for the friend I have made so many states away. Who knows how long we will be able to maintain this email friendship but each equal exchange is always appreciated. As for my friendships that I question, they offer new opportunity to be better than they have been. They are still appreciated and valued and with no intention of abandonment or to be ignored. My hope with struggling friendships is that we continue to learn from each other, share more, but in an “equal” fashion. Time will tell if these friendships can be repaired and strengthened. In the end, I may need to find the courage to admit that a friendship has indeed been lost, but it will not be without trying to enrich it first.

To all of my friends in my life, I say to you “Thank you” for the things you have taught me. Just like the field of flowers, rocks, grasses and weeds that live together in a breathtaking landscape, so too, can many different types of friends.

On this day, a new friend has elevated the measure of a friendship. After a long day of thought, I walk away knowing that abandoning or ignoring a friend is not the answer. Working to be a better friend is the best solution. I hope someday to have the answers of what a “true friendship” is, but until then, it is a work in progress…

The field of flowers, rocks, weeds and grasses took time to grow into something to behold, perhaps that is the true lesson with friendship… Wondering what tomorrow will bring…

7 Responses to "Day 48: A friendly reminder…"

Neal says:

July 7, 2014 at 6:58 am

The quote you used was perfect for describing True Friendship. There will always be the feeling of “inequality” in a True Friendship . When you experience this you know you have something priceless. My father during his lifetime had many friend, however he had only one true friend. Over the years his friendship with this one person served as a barometer for me, to what a “true friend” really is. My mother and I always viewed that my Dad was benefiting more from the friendship, yet we also knew my father was contributing to it consistently. Jimmy, my father’s “True Friend” always appeared to be doing more, but on the flipside, Jimmy knew could always count on dad for helping him at anytime. Yes there was a vast difference in what each did for each other, which could be seen from my family, yet somehow Jimmy and Dad left each other with the feeling that they could never do enough for the other.Both shared the feeling of being thankful that they had such a friend. This is the test of true friendship or true love, when inequality is always felt from both sides. My father and mom shared the same feeling during their 67 years of marriage. Michele, thanks for sharing your thoughts in such a beautiful post. What you said about the landscape is so true and reminded of one of the lyrics from the song “The Colors of the Wind”

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

Thanks for reminding the reader, that without other friendships being in the scenery, we could miss out on those special ones, that somehow tie it all together.

Reply
1. admin says:
  
  July 7, 2014 at 10:09 pm
  
  What a great perspective and comment, Neal! I appreciate you sharing that story. You are right that relationships can be unequal and it certainly makes sense that in trying times it would be that way…. And now that I think about the one friendship in question, there were times when it was equal and perhaps my expectations of what is equal, may very well not be the same expectations held by the friend I am referring to… Come to think about it, perhaps that really is the case. I will work through this and perhaps I will have an update in a couple months… Many thanks for your wise perspective… Always appreciated! 😉
  
  Reply
Paula says:

July 8, 2014 at 9:09 am

Hi! I really liked to read your blog today.
Just want to say that I used to be like that person. I looked for true friends and I thought I had a few. I used to share so many things with those friends, however it seems that them all some kind of hidden agenda!
I used to trust too much and tried to be the best friend possible but when my illness spoke louder they all run away, turn their back on me or simply said that I had nothing else to offer!!!
A true friend really cares, no matter how hard a friendship can turn into, now I know who my true friends might be…. If they do still exist because I have my doubts.
Some days I tell to myself how terrible person I am and all that is happening is my fault! No one wishes to befriend a person who’s always in pain therefore grumpy.
Well what I mean is that there’s still genuine people out there, looking for someone whom to talk with no reservations, no agenda. I believe that everything happens in our life with a reason I just wonder why some of them had left so many scars behind…

Reply
1. admin says:
  
  July 9, 2014 at 9:18 am
  
  Many thanks for sharing your experiences with friendship, Paula. Most do not want to admit how difficult they can be out of fear to admit a weakness of some sort. Friendships are difficult to maintain because it usually means establishing a relationship on a deep level and in this day and age all things are kept at surface and true feelings are not usually revealed as in social media. We forget how to properly communicate and everything is kept sterile and without emotion. Friendships are emotion… they are created out of connection of similar ideas, beliefs, interests, passions, thoughts and perhaps even desires. Friendships as Neal pointed out, are not always equal, but they are giving and generous when they need to be. They are forgiving and loving when it is warranted. They are full of laughter and smiles when they can be. They are complicated and messy when the path is obstructed but with an innate direction to better times when we focus and listen to each other. They are irreplaceable when they are true and forgettable when they are not. In the end, true friendships are hard to find but should be held tight and cherished when we are lucky enough to have them… “Rare as true love is true friendship is still rarer”. -Francois De La Rochefoucauld 🙂
  
  Reply
Lacey says:

July 10, 2014 at 6:55 pm

I could write a book about friendship; actually I am writing a thesis and am in the middle of my research. I decided to see what other people were writing about friends so I dug deep into Google and found your blog (you should really work on your SEO, lol).
Even though we are not “friends” yet, I will challenge you. You said when you first met someone you could tell in the first 30 seconds. Then you mentioned an email friend. How could you tell with an email? I like your term “agenda”. My research has shown me that if someone in your life has an agenda, they are not your “true” friend, they are a user. You can have many friends as Facebook has demonstrated but are they true. You seemed to struggle with that definition. A true friend will put forth the effort to get to know you. They will encourage and inspire you no matter the circumstances. Yes, they will challenge your opinions and ideals but in a positive way. Every interaction with them will leave you feeling better about yourself. They will never criticize your decisions or ridicule you, a true friend offers only support and encouragement, notice the middle of that word. A true friend is one that is there for you with “no strings attached”.
Perhaps the most important lesson I have learned while doing this research is that true friendship is a gift. Think of the gifts you have received for no reason other than just because someone wanted to see you smile. No agenda other than your wellbeing. The other lesson I have learned, once we have relied on these people, we rarely let them know how much they are appreciated. It takes a very special person to be a “true friend”, which is why there are so few of them.

Reply
1. admin says:
  
  July 11, 2014 at 4:10 pm
  
  Lacey, thank you for your comments on friendship. You bring up some very valid points and I do think this topic is ever-evolving especially with the advent of social media and its effect on in-person friendships. It is interesting at least for me to see how different an online friendship can be as compared with an in-person friendship. Anyway, true friendships are certainly hard to find and precious in that regard. So much to learn in this lifetime… thank you for sharing your findings, I do appreciate and value your opinion… Hope you are doing well!!! Keep smiling… 🙂
  
  Reply
2. Neal says:
  
  July 11, 2014 at 7:38 pm
  
  Lacey, all really good points about a true friend, they don’t expect anything in return other than honesty. Anyone who is lucky enough to find one true friend in a lifetime is indeed very blessed.
  
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