Day 85: I can see clearly now…

 

It was a cold morning down here in the valley.  As I sat at my computer looking out at the darkness and seeing nothing identifiable, I decided that today was a road run day. If those days are numbered, I would take the opportunity and head up to altitude to test these legs out in the thin mountain air with those spectacular views.

I grabbed all my gear, my camera, my water bottle and I don’t think I ever looked back as I was on the road in a flash. The sun was just beginning to crack over the eastern mountains. I still had an hour drive to my planned destination, which was a running trail along the Truckee River in Truckee, CA. As I began the drive on Highway 80 west toward Sacramento, the sky was blue with a thin layer of clouds that accentuated its vastness. Before I knew it, I felt like an ant crawling on a tiny road with rocky statuesque mountains on both sides of me and my favorite song on the radio began to crackle and fade. There was no need to change the station as I knew the reception would undoubtedly be poor. So, I reached to turn the radio off and simply enjoy the ride.

I noticed a thin layer of fog over the Truckee River alongside the Highway. I wondered if this might be worth a stop to take a pic. I made the quick decision to stop. I grabbed my camera and stepped out of the car and gasped as if I could barely breathe… the air was ice-cold and there was a small but chilly breeze that hit my face as if to greet me to the mountains. I was wearing running shorts and a jacket, but at the moment I had wished they were snow pants and a down coat. As I made my way to the river, the fog became a bit more predominant and I simply stood and snapped away. The sun had not illuminated the river yet, and there was zero warmth to defrost this frozen girl’s bones. I quickly got back in my car wondering if this trip should even continue… but before I knew it, I was headed west again.

As I made my way further up the mountain, the fog became even thicker. I started to have serious thoughts of regret as the drive does take time out of my day. Had I known that there would be fog, I might have chosen the following week for this adventure,,,.  Heavy sigh…  Well, I had two choices: Return back home and try again another day or follow the plan as it has never led you astray.  Yes, I needed to trust the plan…

I continued along until I made my way to the town of Truckee and I exited onto a road leading south to Tahoe. That wasn’t what I had in mind, but I was feeling compelled. As I drove down 267, I noticed the sun trying desperately to penetrate through the fog layer. I had a strong sense of urgency to capture this site as it seemed like a powerful display of energy. There in the cold, with the fog muting the colors of the morning, was the sun’s brilliance working to bring color back to this landscape. With the cold moist air beginning to dampen my spirit, I returned to my car and decided to just be patient and keep heading toward the lake. I had the feeling that there is purpose in all of this, even if the picture is a little foggy right now.

As I came down the mountain toward the lake, I felt like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz as she awoke and found herself on the yellow brick road….it was as if someone had lifted a veil from over my eyes and there in front of me was beautiful Lake Tahoe in all of her glory! I felt as if I was seeing her for the very first time in such a way. I had transitioned from the black and white to HD color in a matter of seconds and my senses were nearly overwhelmed!

I found a spot at the lake and just sat to take in her glory. I had not planned on sitting at Lake Tahoe and taking pics, but there I found myself with not an ounce of guilt or even the thought of missing a run. I was simply entranced. There was not a soul to be seen at the 8am hour and for a moment the beach was all mine. I really had nothing to truly think about but rather a great deal to be thankful for.  I sat on a rock with my feet extending out in front of me and the sun peeked through the clouds and its amazing light reflected off the rocks before me… I could feel the warm energy on my body and it was as if I was being recharged, though the day had only begun. After a couple of pics had been taken, I decided to drive some more and see what other views were to be had.

As I made my way along the lake drive, again, the run seemed further and further in the back of my mind. I then arrived at Tahoe City.

 

 

I had been here just a couple of weeks ago taking some pics and decided to see what new views the changing leaves may have in store for me. As I walked along, many of the trees were just finishing their blazing state…but one tree caught my attention. There at the lake’s edge stood a tall tree with its once vibrant leaves sparkling on the ground beneath it. A bench sat close by and I felt a pull to take his pic.  Pic after pic, it wasn’t quite right… I bent down… contorted in an awkward way and click! There it was… the perfect placement that finally did this majestic tree justice.

But in this captured moment something other than physical beauty caught my attention as this tree was nearly bare. I decided to walk down and pay him a visit.  As I approached I could see his long branches as they over-reached the grass beneath him. There was a playground nearby and a walkway as well. I walked over and sat down next to him.  How often was it that many took refuge under his branches on hot summer days?  How many rested their minds in difficult moments?  How many children played nearby and thought this tree to be giant compared to their tiny stature? How many have laid at the base of the trunk to close their eyes and dream of the people they wish to be?  I felt compelled to sit and appreciate the beauty this stately tree had to offer, because without any words, he reminded me that beauty comes from what we give, not from the golden leaves that have fallen to the ground…

It was then that I was reminded of a moment that transpired before the quest even began.  For those that have read my previous blogs, you are well aware of the fact that it has taken me some time to accept the way I look. No, I am not some scary looking monster, at least with make-up on! I simply didn’t have the encouragement early on from my friends and family that my looks were anything that could be desired. This left me feeling my entire life as if I was undesirable, unattractive, and unappealing.

Then one day, a good friend had sent me the Dove video which changed my perspective.  A couple of weeks following that, a good friend and I made our way to Donner Lake.  I was wearing my white dress and he had his camera in hand… He encouraged me to relax, be free and let him take some pics… That day will forever be burnt in my memory because it was the very FIRST time in my life that I looked at a picture of myself and liked it… There I stood feeling relaxed, confident, and happy.  My lips uttered the words “Perhaps even pretty…” I didn’t know what to say… Do the words “Thank you” even equate to what I was given by these two people… And then, as quickly as the emotion started to brew, it was ever clear… I must return to Donner Lake!!!

So, I looked up at this stately tree and could see the strong branches that bend in the wind and a sturdy trunk that has weathered the elements and years. With his magical golden leaves on the ground, he looked as handsome as could be! I simply smiled at the revelation I was reminded of and grateful to have spent some time pondering a pivotal moment in my life. And with that I stood up, took my last look at the lake and the tree that guarded the shore and I made my way to the car to quickly get to Donner Lake!

When I arrived at the Donner Lake and stepped out, the memories overwhelmed my senses!!! Yes, the last time I was here for a lengthy visit was when I wore my white dress and it was on Pier 14 that we sat and talked about the Quest I would begin and how scared I was for what I didn’t know lay ahead. I wasn’t able to run at that time and was told I probably wouldn’t run again. We discussed how I would do whatever it took to run again and he said to me he would support whatever decision I made so long as I was happy and found my smile… I remember feeling excited at the possibility I would run again. I felt joy from having the courage to allow someone to take my picture and for the first time accept it as being potentially desirable… I can only describe it as walking through a door that led to another world I didn’t even know existed with feelings and senses I never allowed myself to have.   That day, I tossed the habit of denying good feelings into the lake. From that day forward, thanks to one single moment and a picture, I finally have the feelings that every human being should be gifted with… To feel desired, attractive and even appealing.

It was then that I knew what I needed to do… The road was calling out to me… I grabbed my running gear and took a deep breath hoping the lungs could handle the altitude and the legs would follow suit. Just like that, I started to run. I remember breathing in the heavy scent of pine and thinking, “I could do this every day!” And there in front of me were trees that were aglow as if to welcome me back with wild abandon! I don’t think I have ever smiled so much during any run! Make no mistake, there were times when the breathing was difficult and the legs were taxed but my mind was determined to let nothing stop me now. I took some pictures along the way and when I finished, it was very hard to leave.  I sat on Pier 14 for just a moment to remind myself how far I have come and to set new goals of where I want to go.

 

There are times and days when the view ahead is foggy, but our spirit is strong enough to shine through and allow the picture to be more vibrant, more alive and more attractive than we could have even imagined. Today this once shy and sheltered girl decided to go on an adventure that made her stop along a highway and see the impending fog ahead… her strong spirit provoked her to continue ahead through the uncertainty along a path she never intended, to witness the transition from the black and white to vibrant color, to be reminded in her solitude on a beach she claimed her own, that the sun’s energy is no different from our spirit inside of us… and making her way to Tahoe City.   She found a tree so tall, so strong and yet bare. It reminded her of the beauty she found within herself before the Quest ever began… as if directed by the revelation she discovered, she made her way to Donner Lake where she once wore a white dress and frolicked in the water without a care in the world of what anyone might see through the lens of a camera held by a friend who knew exactly what she was missing her entire life… There at Donner Lake, she donned her running gear and went out for a run.  A run along a lake where she thought her runners would never grace again.  It was hope, determination, a new vision, and taking an unexpected path, where the view was foggy that brought her to this place to be reminded that beauty comes from within and from what we give and share to others.

Feeling euphoric, with my eyes wide open, and no need for ruby slippers, the runners will do just fine for now…   Wondering what tomorrow will bring…