Day 78: Sharkfest leaves me hungry for more…
You learn more from losing than winning. You learn how to keep going.
Sometimes the finish line is just the beginning…
I have been swimming for 18 months and the goal was to continue to compete in triathlons. When an injury brought that to an abrupt end, I still kept swimming. I really didn’t have a goal, but it felt good on the knee and it was another activity I could do and I enjoyed spending hours being a dolphin. After swimming in the Trans-Tahoe relay, I decided to take the opportunity and compete in an open water swim race. And so this Quest took me to the cold waters of Lake Tahoe for an open water swim of the Sharkfest kind!
It was 3:30am and I was out of bed in a flash! This was the day I was going to compete in my first solo open water swim. I had no expectation of winning or even placing. The goal was to complete the one mile swim and see what it felt like to go all out in a school of other swimmers for what hopefully would be a quick one mile swim.
I sat in my office returning emails and drinking a spot of coffee when I noticed that my departure time was approaching. Suddenly, I started to have that heavy feeling in my tummy and my mind started to play tricks on me… “Am I really going to do this?” “I won’t have my trusty spotter with me!” “What if I start to feel hypothermic again?” “What if……” My breathing began to increase and my eyes were moving rapidly thinking about all the original reasons I chose to do this race to begin with. I thought about all the accomplished swimmers I would be competing against… “That’s right”, I thought… “Competing”, because this is a competition after all!” Wait, I didn’t want to compete… I just wanted to “Complete!” the race. I stopped all thoughts immediately. I sat and took several deep breaths and reminded myself of the mission. The goal for today was to complete the race, enjoy the view and yes, most importantly: SURVIVE!!!
I changed into my swimwear, slipped on my grey yoga pants and shirt, grabbed my favorite Lululemon jacket, my wetsuit and swim bag, and left my Ego sitting in my chair in my office. With a warm coffee in hand, a little bit of courage onboard, I was ready to face my challenge of the Shark kind!
I made my way up the quiet and lonely road to the Sand Harbor Park entrance at Lake Tahoe. I could see other swimmers arriving and I started to have that nervous feeling begin to roll over me like the waves coming to shore. I tried to remind myself once again; it is about finishing the race and having another experience to learn from. With that thought, I cautiously and quietly stepped out of the car and grabbed my gear.
I checked in and received my yellow swim cap, had my number placed on my hand. I wasn’t entirely sure if the number was meant to identify my body should I drown or for mere recording purposes. I knew the answer, but my mind did go there for about 30 seconds. I noticed I still had about an hour before the race. I walked around and tried to stay away from the other swimmers as my mind did not need to be tricked any more. I stood tall on top of a granite boulder trying to summon the strength I would need for this race…then simply took in the view and tried to center my spirit for the challenge I was about to embark on.
Before I knew it, it was time to begin to get ready. I made my way into my wetsuit and as soon as I finished, my Coach from the Trans Tahoe swim team arrived. His daughter, an accomplished swimmer, was also racing. Let’s be clear, she is a torpedo in the water and she is merely a teenager! We saw each other and started to chat. I could not believe that out of all the people in the universe, I didn’t want to see today, he would be the one! I didn’t want to see that look of disappointment when I crossed the line in last place!!! Oh well, if last is where I end up, then it can only get better from there, I thought! Besides, I had to remind myself that I was in the presence of some highly trained and talented swimmers! Most had been swimming all their lives and competing in college and elsewhere. I had only been swimming for a year and a half, with no serious formalized training, so if I could survive and cross the finish line, that would be impressive to me!
It was 15 minutes to start and I decided to step into the cold water to warm up. Some swimmers gave me a look that said, “She needs to warm-up?” I second guessed myself for all of 30 seconds, and then noticed many of the other swimmers following suit. The water was COLD! I slowly crept out into the deep and I could feel the ice-cold water enter the wetsuit and chill my back ever so quickly. I stopped, gasped, and knew I had to go even further. After running in place for a couple of minutes, I stepped even further to shoulder level and the water reached my neck and I quivered at the cold sensation. It felt like lying in the snow without a scarf to protect your neck. I knew the next phase would have me swimming below the water’s surface and before I allowed myself the time to think about the torture, I dove right in… and right back up!!! “AHHHHHH!!!!” I quickly gasped! And before 5 seconds could pass, my body had quickly adjusted to the cold water, and I began to swim.
The water was exceptionally shallow and the large granite boulders that would normally be well below the water’s surface were barely covered. And so, it was announced by the MC, that we needed to be ultra-careful to navigate the waters for the first ¼-1/2 mile. I had done this many times at Donner Lake, but never in a race before. So, I took that bit of information and filed it away with the reminder to stay calm in the race. Before I knew it, they had announced the temperature of the water, a balmy 64 degrees in the shade and up to 68 near the finish. I sighed with relief, thinking I have swum across and back in Fallen Leaf Lake and that was at least 10 degrees colder… “I’ve got this!”, I thought. And without further hesitation, the MC counted down to the start and off we all were like a school of Parana fighting our way through the water to get ahead.
I remember the first 20 strokes of having my face kicked; almost being swam over, dodging large boulders and navigating to avoid the safety kayakers. I noticed that my breathing and heart rate were exceptionally elevated, most likely due to the adrenaline rush I was experiencing. I stopped for just a moment to try and gather my senses and tell myself to settle down but I felt like I was quickly losing the battle. Thoughts of returning to shore entered my mind! I kept thinking, “I can’t breathe!” In reality, the adrenaline was too much to handle in the cold water. I forced myself, stroke after stroke, to push through. I could see others flailing and thought, “That can’t be me!” I have to finish even though I had barely begun! I remembered the beginning instructions that if we thought we couldn’t make it, to raise our hand and the safety kayak would come get us. I struggled to keep my hands moving and resisted raising them. I managed around the first bend with boulders peeking out of the water everywhere. I could hear the other swimmers saying, “Look out!” I could see some swimmers asking for help. I still did not want to be that swimmer.
I continued to struggle with my breathing until I realized that I needed to take a break and figure this out. I found a boulder to barely perch on and stopped. The safety kayaker came by and said, “You are doing great, are you sure you need help?” I responded, “I don’t need help, just a second to catch my breath and I’ve got this!” He said, “Ok, but let me know if you need me.” I smiled and said, “Thanks, but I’ve got this….” And 60 seconds later, I was back in the water, swimming, like I knew how to swim! Stroke after stroke, passing swimmer after swimmer… sighting every now and again… and hearing some of the other swimmers ask for help.
I could feel my pace pick up as I continued to pass others. I felt strong and my breathing had regulated. I knew that I missed the opportunity to finish at the middle of the pack, but that didn’t matter because just a few minutes prior I was wondering if I could even continue. The goal was to survive, finish and learn. So, I swam the only way I knew how, with a calm consistency and singing a song in my mind. Today, it was” Orinoco Flow” by Enya… a slow rhythmic water song that took my mind to open waters, sailing in the sun, just me, the wind and the water… Yes, I had centered my Qi and just kept swimming.
As I approached the last quarter-mile, I could feel the other swimmers begin to close in and I picked the stroke up a little more. I kept thinking, “Just keep swimming… just keep swimming…” And before I knew it, we all stood up and made our way toward shore. I remember looking back and confirming I wasn’t last… what a feeling that was! My Trans-Tahoe swim Coach cheered me on as I made my way past the finish line… no judgment, no look of disappointment as I had anticipated, just him saying, “Go Michele! Great job!” I looked at him with confusion… I thought, I didn’t do that well, how could you say that? I stopped and looked back at all the swimmers still in the water and thought about the fact that I almost didn’t make it. In fact, I came very close to not completing the swim. And in an instant, I realized that I had made an accomplishment of sorts. No, I didn’t finish first, but I didn’t finish last, and in the end, I did complete the race! Heavy sigh… I gave him the return high-five he had extended to me and a smile emerged on my face. Just 1.5 years ago, I couldn’t even fathom competing in an open water swim and today, I did!
My Coach’s daughter placed 3rd overall! What an outstanding job! I placed…. well, 115/149 13 minutes behind the first finisher. All I have to say is that it wasn’t last, nor fast, but I finished the race!
I learned a lot that day… A lot about myself and how powerful the mind is when it works with us and against us. For all intents and purposes, I could have easily asked to end the race and be helped away. It took a lot of strength and focus to center my spirit. I can’t remember a time when I had to work through a dire situation like that before. From fearing disappointing my Coach, to fighting to swim around boulders and through a mass of people, to trying to regulate my breathing with a surge of adrenaline dominating my physiology, to the cold of the water and battling my own self-doubt of surviving or finishing.
Surviving was never really the question, it was a seed of doubt I was responsible for planting. In hindsight, had I just said I want to finish with 2 people behind me, the goal would have seemed much easier. When I placed a fatalistic outcome in the mix, I was drawn to that negative thought like the rock I had to perch on. Next time, and there will be a next time, I am only going to fill my mind with positive and realistic goals. I am going to practice the course a week out of the race and I am going to take the first 100-200 meters as a warm-up and then once my breathing is in sync with my mind, I will swim like I truly know how. So, you could say that next time, I am going to be the shark I know I can be and I hope to eat the competition!
Having completed my first open water swim race, faced challenges that I imposed on myself but overcame, learned what to do in the next competition and yes, there will be another! Wondering what tomorrow will bring…
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