Day 55: In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take…

I have been carrying around regret for a very long time and today I decided to face it, bear my soul and settle my thoughts, if not for her, than for me.  Regret is defined as

1.  “To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.
2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.”

My regret is something I feel both sorry for and distressed about…and even after many years, I still mourn. Today, I am stepping back in time to a place I left buried and untouched… a place that defined the path I would take in life… a place that forced me up on my own two feet. It was the day my Grandmother left this earth.

My mother was frequently burdened with the care of 6 children.  I would frequently find refuge at my Grandmother’s house.  She transitioned by default to be my surrogate mother, with unconditional love included.

I have not allowed myself much time to dwell on her since I painfully placed those memories away so many years ago. I try not to think about the times we shared and the laughs that permeated my days with her. Not thinking about it provides a coping and defense mechanism for what is missing. But as of late, as I live this year as if it were my last, I need to reconcile some things. This is my first “official” reconciliation to an important person in this Quest.

My Grandmother was truly unique. She and I shared a birthday and maybe that is why we found a special kinship. We were alike and yet so very different. She had a free spirit, was fun and loving to all, enjoyed good food, good company and a good German beer never hurt. I remember feeling her strength and abundant love when I was within feet of her front door. I can still remember that feeling of standing at her front door and knocking to come in and she always said the same thing, “You don’t need to knock, just come in…” And she said it with the most gracious and generous smile. I would walk into her house and we would sit and talk… yes, at the age of 10 we would sit and discuss everything and anything we could… from world events, to the seemingly important things going on in my young life, to “All My Children” that she so loved to watch. She would make the most fabulous lunches for me with not even an ounce of worry of whether or not they were nutritious. It was her very generous and giving way of showing her infinite love.

We were inseparable most days. I spent the summer cutting her grass, going on bike rides and walks with her, plenty of gardening and yes, this dolphin loved to swim with her in her pool! She so enjoyed watching her grandchildren enjoy the time at her house, until one day…

My grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. My family privately received the news from her doctor right before the Christmas holiday and making the right decision, the diagnosis was not shared with her until after the first of the year. The cancer had spread to her bones and elsewhere and although there were options to do chemotherapy, it was not going to end the way we all hoped, this much we knew.

As I sit here and type, it is hard to express the words that could replicate the feelings I had with that fateful news. I can feel the exact moment and hear the words as they escaped my mother’s mouth when they told me. There was a moment of silence while my brain tried to find logic in what was being said. I was in complete disbelief with a twinge of anger and resentment toward the power that allowed this to happen. I remember thinking… How could the very balanced and centered part of my life leave? What would I do without her as there is still so much to learn and share? Why now? Will she ever know how much she meant to me? And the tears… dare I admit, there were so many…

It was a long battle over several months. Even at a young age, I couldn’t understand why she was put through the pain and discomfort from the chemotherapy to the radiation. If I had to describe her days with a couple words, they would be: strength, pain, fight to live. Yes, that was my grandmother… strong until the very end, but the pain could be heard in the reluctant gasps when she had to move ever so slightly. I will admit with no hesitation in my heart that as much as I loved her, I just wanted it all to stop… the pain, the suffering… the long goodbye. I wanted to remember the grandmother that played ball with me outdoors, the grandmother that would walk with me and share stories, the grandmother that believed in me and made time for me when my parents were busy with work or other family obligations, the grandmother that never let me forget that I was truly loved by someone in this world.

 She was admitted to the hospital and I remember spending the week at her side with other family members. I sat and watched her slip away each and every day. Then it was around a week later when my Mom said to me, “Michele, you need to go home, shower and we will come back to the hospital.” I remember telling my Mom I didn’t want to leave my Grandmother’s side, not for a shower, food or drink. My Mom said in a gentle but firm voice, “I will drop you off at home and be back to pick you up and we will return to the hospital.” And it was obvious that no argument would be won. I had that feeling that I shouldn’t leave. I felt it in the pit of my stomach as if I were betraying her by leaving. I felt as if she had been there for all of my good times and bad times and there I was leaving to go take a shower. I arrived home, and like lightning, took the fastest shower ever. I grabbed my comb and sat on the couch and in an unusual fashion, I found myself combing my hair, ever so slowly, as if time were standing still. The next thing I knew, I had fallen into a deep sleep. I could feel my Mom’s hand on my shoulder in a gentle attempt to wake me carefully. I heard my Mom then say, “Michele, I have to…. “.  I quickly cut her off and said, “Mom, I know she is in heaven.” I then closed my eyes and returned to my peaceful slumber. No tears shed… no overwhelming sadness… no regrets at the moment… just a peaceful slumber that felt like I had been placed under a spell.

When I awoke, my body felt refreshed but there was an unmistakable fissure that started to form in my heart. It was a feeling of loss that I hope to never feel again, as if the energy from my body had been drained with no possible way of recharging. I can remember feeling like I was walking aimlessly through life. Not knowing what direction to turn and with no compass to take me there. Yes, the light of my delicate life had been extinguished and I wasn’t even there to say “Goodbye” or give one last hug and kiss or “I love you.” And I know in the deepest region of this healed heart that perhaps she chose to go when I wasn’t there. She left on her terms and in her way, because that is just who she was. But I have carried this regret for not being there for some time now. Rational, or irrational, it is a regret I need to reconcile.

So, today on this Quest, I will open my heart and bare my soul and share what I had hoped to be able to say in that last precious time with her…

“Dearest Grandmother….You gave me all the love a person would need. You made sure that I had everything I ever wanted. You made every effort to make me smile. You hugged me when I didn’t think I deserved one. You welcomed me into your home at all hours of the day. You shared with me when you had little to give. You made me feel worthy when I thought less of myself. You gave me time when minutes were few. You tucked away the pain to spend a little more time with me. You gave me joy in teaching me to appreciate the simple things…. A delicious cookie, a cup of coffee, a sunrise, a walk in the park, a new sweater, learning to embrace a haircut, a home cooked meal, to forgive my flaws because no one is perfect, to look good when you don’t feel good-it makes all the difference, and to enjoy the sinful delight of a cool Peppermint Patty when the day just didn’t turn out right. Your priceless wisdom, advice, and that loving spirit have gifted me in a way that I will always be grateful for. I cannot imagine going through the years without you. Please know that you are always missed, never forgotten and will always be loved. And yes, I have had the courage so far to do some amazing things. I have always known that you would be watching and either smiling or laughing. Hopefully, you are content knowing that it is never too late for me to follow in your footsteps and share the true spirit and your wisdom of how to live, with the world. “

I woke up this morning holding on to a regret that I have carried for many years… not being able to say what needed to be said. Today, I grabbed hold of the courage needed to open my heart and let the words of love and appreciation stream from my soul, to my hands, to be typed into the computer. Too often we hold back on the things that need to be said. We sometimes fear the response, or we simply do not take the everyday opportunity to let the ones in our lives know how much they are loved and appreciated. It takes but 3 seconds to say those 3 simple words. Three seconds is priceless when compared with the potential of years of regret.

I am certain that this Quest would never have come to fruition if I had not been graced with one of the greatest influences in my life.  It was my father that taught be about determination and from which I know my stubborn streak was born, my fears were extended from my mother, but my spirit of adventure that propels me forward on this Quest could only have come from my loving, adventurous and spirited Grandmother!

Feeling lighter, relieved, content, happy, and loved from afar…. Wondering what tomorrow will bring…