Day 54: No apologies necessary…

 

Today presented a very different challenge.  Today, I was going to resist the urge to apologize for things I can’t control, for other unfortunate happenings that I had nothing to do with, for the clouds in the sky, for bad news of the day, for everything I wish I could change but have no ability, control, strength or magical wand to fix, correct, make better or improve.  Yes, today I had to face one of my bad habits of apologizing for everything under the sun.

The only place this habit could have come from was growing up.  I would frequently read the stress in my parents’ eyes and the look on their face when the world seemed to go against them.  Raising half a football team could not have been easy on them, financially, emotionally and otherwise.  I remember many a day when they would try to discuss, without the prying ears of their six children listening, how they would possibly afford to pay for medical expenses, dental expenses and groceries.  It was hard not to feel guilt for existing, knowing that if they had one less mouth to feed, one less child to clothe, one less…..  Perhaps, life could have been easier for them.  I soon found myself making apologies for anything and everything.

My friends today often tell me that I need not apologize for sending a long email, or for asking a question, or for interrupting their day….  I have friends that often tell me not to apologize for imposing on them when I visit.   I have neighbors that suggest I not apologize for the accidental wildflower seeds that drift into their yard… I have strangers say I need not apologize for their seemingly bad day they are having…  And the list goes on.

I was curious what the reasons are for carrying this apology habit into my adult world.  In doing some research, I found a fascinating explanation with information on how to break the habit from Dr. Carol at http://dr-carol.com/2014/02/19/why-do-girls-apologize-for-everything-stop-saying-youre-sorry/

 

“Now, when it comes to excessive apologizing, girls tend to read into things very differently than boys.  They will over analyze their actions and words wondering how they are perceived by others. Carefully calculating their word choice while looking for verbal cues of acceptance. If they don’t see those verbal cues of acceptance, that’s when “sorry” comes into play. It’s a very critical way of viewing oneself that can produce anxiety and sometimes low self-esteem.

Although there may be nothing to apologize for, young girls will use sorry like a verbal crutch to fill space and feel more secure. As one article points out, women sometimes say sorry a lot because they view it as being polite.  If a girl hears the excessive use of sorry by their female role model, they too will adopt it as an acceptable form of politeness. Kids learn early on that saying sorry can help calm things down quickly, or defuse difficult situations. Do girls subconsciously believe that apologizing will help prevent disruption? Is this their way of minimizing or avoiding conflict? When this behavior is observed and accepted by adults, they too are condoning the excessive use of the word. Parents have a responsibility to step in and look at their own use of the word sorry and help their daughters (and sons) understand when to use it appropriately.

Remember, apologizing is confirming that you have done something wrong. Within the proper context, this can be a very brave thing to do. However, constantly saying “sorry” sends out a message that you aren’t a confident individual.

Girls can break the pattern of unnecessary apologizing by taking a few small steps:

• Pay attention to how many times you apologize in a day. Under what circumstances do you tend to apologize?
• Make sure you know what you are apologizing for and why before apologizing.
• Become aware of your pattern. If you realize you are about to apologize for something that doesn’t require an apology,  STOP! Do not apologize. Find the appropriate words.
• Do not avoid conflict by apologizing; however, if you really messed up, then apologizing is the right way to go.

Girls need to stop saying sorry out of habit, guilt, or accommodation. Apologies should only be given when deserved.  The result, a more confident and strong young woman.”

 

In trying to determine what my apology means, I have come to the realization that if I had the power to make everyone’s day the best it could be with no pain, no accidents, no disappointments, no tragedies… there is no doubt I would.  I know in the back of my mind I have had no control or influence on the events or issues that I apologize for. Apologizing is my way of simply saying that I do not want to affect their life in a negative way–as I may have affected my parents’ lives.  Perhaps Dr.Carol is right and it is a lack of self-confidence.  As much as I cringe to admit that, I think most women would admit to feeling less able, less intelligent, less beautiful, perhaps less entitled to feel confident in all aspects of life at one time or another.  We live in a society where women frequently measure each other against unreal standards, and set unreal expectations, and I am not immune to this.  Unfortunately, when we set too many expectations and are unable to meet our goals, we also set ourselves up for failure and this can lead to low self-confidence and the apologies begin to flow like a river….

I try to live by a personal creed to never be an imposition, obligation, bother, or have any negative affect on others in any way, shape and form.  My creed is to share a smile, lend a hand, make things better than the way they were found, contribute in positive ways and to try to listen more and speak less…. and although some days I do the best I can, other days I may feel I have not fulfilled these goals as well as I would like and find myself apologizing for anything and everything!

So, after a little research, I decided it was time to face my fear of accepting why it is I continuously apologize and to try to stop this unproductive habit, so that I can become as strong as I know I am, I can feel confident about who I am and where the road is taking me.  If I have my head facing down, how is it that I will ever know which way to go?

So with those thoughts and that goal, I sat at my desk preparing myself for the challenge of the day.  Climbing mountains, taking pictures, indulging in a sweet treat were nowhere on the agenda.  Today’s challenge might actually be a little bit more difficult and introspective than that.  Did I have the strength, courage and ability to accept of the flaw I know existed and do I have the self-confidence needed to better my relationships and strengthen my spirit?  I was soon to find out….

The day started well. The first opportunity came when I went for my alter-G run and a staff member was commenting on the challenging weekend they had. I caught myself in mid-sentence ready to say those two words, “I’m sorry.”  When the conversation ended I thought about how refraining from making such an apologetic comment felt.  I felt as if I was saying goodbye to a comfy blanket that was too tattered to save or to an old friend that was leaving this world.  It felt final… permanent, uncomfortable.  I then thought about how I handled replacing this sentence with, “That must have been difficult to handle, how did you deal with it?”  And her answer to this response was much more nourishing than the typical, “You don’t need to apologize…”  She went on to say how she handled the situation and that it did turn out well in the end.  I have to say that exchange left me feeling more fulfilled as there was a productive discussion that transpired.  The conversation centered around her and her situation and that made me feel pleased as if I had done something… anything to help and this morning it meant just listening.

The day continued from there when I returned an email to a friend.  I realized at the end of the email that it had been longer than I had anticipated but felt that each sentence carried value and not being able to edit it down, I started to write those 2 words… and as soon as I realized that my fingers were trying to covertly sidestep the mission of the day, I stopped typing.  I sat there and thought about it for just a minute.  Was I hurting this individual by sending this email of a particular length or would this friend find my words appreciative regardless of their number?   This friend had never complained before, but always said I need not apologize.  So, my cursor deleted those words as quickly as they had been typed.  The email response was just as I had predicted with no mention of length only about substance.   In hindsight, this really wasn’t a surprise, just a confirmation that this friendship is as centered as it should be and that had me smiling…

The last challenge came late in the day.   When I was at the store and ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in many months.  It was a great conversation until she confided in me that she had come across some challenges as of late and with a depressed look on her face, I was ready once again to apologize… but I quickly looked down and searched for those words that I thought carried more value… I simply said, “That is a terrible set of circumstances.  How are you coping and is there anything I can do to help?”  The words were sincere and behind her look of worry and sadness emerged a half smile as if to extend an unspoken sign of appreciation.  I have to say that I remember walking away feeling better about my life and the tiny challenges that I face, but also knowing that eliminating those words and replacing them with a more gracious sentence carried far more value as seen by that heartfelt half smile she gave me.

This lifelong habit will not be eliminated in one day.  It will require a concerted effort on my part to remind myself that there is no guilt that should be felt in existing, no guilt for sending a long email, no guilt in not being able to control where the wildflower seeds land, no guilt should be felt in having self confidence in knowing the direction I am headed.  After all, how is it that this shy girl can climb a mountain so tall, bare the truth under the sun and indulge in a delicious daydream she shared with the world, but apologizes for everything that is…?  No, today this shy girl has found a little bit of confidence to stand tall and apologize for only what she has done wrong, and knowing that “Self-confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings.” –Samuel Johnson

 Today, I gave up a tattered blanket so comfy and secure to say that I make no apologies for existing; instead I hope that I can continue to strengthen this spirit and spread a message that is bigger than the mountains that I climb and the lakes that I swim…. Wondering what tomorrow will bring…