I have been away for some time now. Perhaps trying to find my way in this confusing yet magical place. The journey has gifted me with some beautiful moments and some definite struggles. It has brought people into my life that I have been fortunate to know, and others that simply taught me lessons and moved on. Either way, I am ever grateful for their happenings in my life because they have brought me to this very place where my fingers click the keyboard and begin to translate the lessons learned and the emotions felt.
I have received many messages and emails from people requesting that I continue to write. I stalled for a bit not out of lack of lessons or stories to be shared. The truth is, I stalled my writing as I wasn’t entirely sure any of my words truly mattered or were even valued. I took the time away to endure… to experience… to explore…. to feel…. to love…. and to be. While on this train, I have had some incredible moments that simply could not be described as they might come across as unbelievable or surreal or contrived. To me, they were heavenly… moments that took my breath away and had me in a state of pure sensual bliss and even erotic wonder. Ironically throughout this time, I cannot recollect a moment I have regretted… a moment I would have traded… no matter how hard at times the journey may have been. And so I return but not by my own prompting, as my days have been filled with less thought on writing and more time on healing… perhaps my return has been aided by the universe and its most mysterious ways.
Truth is pure… it is not convoluted or grey. As humans we want to display to the world what it is we believe to be. More often than not, this portrayal is not always our purest form, usually over-inflated, clean as a whistle, and cover-up applied to those worst blemishes. It is through deep love and trust that we see the very essence of one’s soul… not to judge a book by its cover, but rather to read the words that tell the true story. Real love is honest and pure… there is no ambiguity or question of authenticity. Those lucky enough to experience it, know as much.
My path was chosen by me. It was not pressed upon me or forced by coercion. No, I rather believe that the universe recently conspired to set me on an adventure that I thought for a long time, I didn’t deserve and would never experience. In fact, against all odds, I was meant to find and experience true love after all. Pardon me, while I lose my train of thought as I relive some of those breath-taking moments and sit back and smile for a bit.…
The truth is that for such a long time, my life was not fully lived. For more years than I care to count, I gave up on genuine happiness and believed I was forsaken by the universe to live a mundane life with my hopes and dreams always tucked away, not meant to be realized. I didn’t think I deserved as much. I couldn’t accept, that in order for me to give to others, I had to give to myself first. Yet, this very basic and imperative concept, we are reminded of every time we fly… when the flight attendant explains that if you have a child traveling with you, and the oxygen mask is deployed, it is to be applied to yourself first and then you apply a mask to your child. Funny, the flight attendant doesn’t label the parent as “Selfish” for doing so, do they? It is a matter of survival.
Truth…. it can have so many emotional effects when employed. The difficulty is that so many do not have the courage to speak the truth out of fear it may hurt. What they don’t realize is that those moments are gifts for growth wrapped up in words we don’t always want to receive, but when we look back over time, we understand their necessity.
Truth can also gift a smile or feeling of worth and love. We sometimes hesitate to share those positive feelings out of fear that the message is already understood. Our minutes here on this planet are limited… they can be the length of a half taken breath… hesitation voids an opportunity to share light… not even realizing it, and this withholding of positivity could extinguish the life of a wish or a dream… If you risk through courage and share a positive truth, you may never know what effect those words may have held. Such was the case just recently.
I had a phone call from someone I have never even met. It came on a day of despair and sadness… I was consumed by grief… a loss that tore my heart in two. The phone rang several times with an unknown number. Not feeling like speaking to another soul on this vast planet, I eventually relented and answered. The woman calling identified herself as if I had met her before and I had not. Confounded, I sat and listened. She shared a common relationship with a friend that I had known some time ago. She had been left in a grief-stricken state as this friendship had ended abruptly. She revealed many hurtful things that were said about me and so I took the opportunity to clarify what the real truth of the matter was and she said she had no doubt now that I was speaking the absolute truth. She proceeded to share some amazing words of appreciation and love for me and the courageous words I have shared… I gasped at every kind word she lent. While listening to her story, I was suddenly feeling a compounded sadness for I was still dealing with my own loss and grief at the time. I listened carefully and after this woman vented her dislike for this individual, I responded and simply stated that I, was not sad I had met this mutual friend… this person taught me that negative energy has no place in my life. This person taught me that friendships should not be painful and full of anger and hurtful words. I barely remember this mutual friend as the contact was never very positive. I realized in the moment I was meant to help this woman heal her heart from the pain she was experiencing. As our conversation came to a conclusion and transferred to text, this woman in the most delightful way, complimented my writing and stated that it has helped her move forward and value herself enough to know she did not deserve to be hurt by any soul on this planet…..what she did not know, in essence, was that she gifted me the encouragement to continue to share my words with the world.
I have never met this woman before… what courage it took for her to reach out to me. To share the truth of the matter knowing I might be hurt. It was a moment that brought me back to this very keyboard… to bleed the words that come from my soul with the intention of helping others understand that truth does not have to be a rare commodity… it can be a way of living, a way of giving… a way to be and a way to love.
The universe has amazing ways of delivering us people who drift in and out of our lives, some stay and some go, some remain forever, but the lessons always continue.
My heart is still trying to heal from the grief I recently endured… but faith keeps me pushing forward because love is honest and truth always prevails.
To the woman who had the courage to call me… I sincerely thank you….. your words brought this shy girl back to the place where her hands belong, sharing her stories with world and giving her the strength and courage to wonder once again, what surprising things tomorrow will bring…